just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
