is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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