He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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