I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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