come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
