I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
