just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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