I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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