quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
