is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
