Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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