dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
