I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
