I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
