I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
