Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
