I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
