Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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