Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
