I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
