Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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