I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Randomize
