i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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