Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
