Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize