please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
