upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize