I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think my moral compass just broke
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
