see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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