It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
