The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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