someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just invented taco cereal.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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