They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
