I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize