just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
