fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
