If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
