my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
