someone threw a dead crab at me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
