How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The feeling are messing with the penis
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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