k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize