I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
