HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
