Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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