i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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