The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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