Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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