I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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