I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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