LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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