Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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