My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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