Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
