Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just want nice things and good sex
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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