It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
