ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
