I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
