I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
